I Came Across a Memory of you and Lost You All Over Again

writings

by Jessica G Ferrer

Sometimes, I come across a photo of you. Today, it was a video. One in which your joy was so genuine the broken pieces of my heart shattered and multiplied. They melted down to my knees, and my pulse quickly dropped. The circulation in my legs stood still, and my body nearly collapsed. For a moment, I was gone, and shortly after, a rush initiated in my toes made its way up to my heart, and nauseated, sorrow was expelled. A loud cry reminded me that I’d no longer get to touch you, to feel you, to breathe you, to smell you, to see you, to hear you. I wish I had more time with you.

Your presence was bright, essential, necessary, and generous. I know I told you how much I loved you every day, but if I had just one wish to be granted in my lifetime, I’d ask to return to the beginning, where my arms clung to your legs as you walked around that New Jersey basement - a small place that holds my favorite memories. I’d savor every moment and ask endless questions. I’d protect you. I’d cry on your shoulder and hold your hand every day.  I’d memorize every line on your forehead. I’d stare into your mesmerizing green eyes daily for hours. I’d study the foods that would harm you, and just like I drained that ugly habit (of yours), I’d remove nearly every Twinkie from the house but save a bite or three just for us two.

​Your skin I miss so much. Your eyes that spoke without a verb. The sadness you held within you. You and I have that in common. There was such purity within you. Though imperfect, you loved nearly perfectly.​

It was always you, Dad, the love of my life.

You were the man of my heart. You always will be. I am lucky to have existed at a time when you did. I am grateful to have had you and to see you in me. I am honored to carry what you made and exist because of you. ​

I will continue to live fully, lovingly, daringly, and honestly in your honor. But every now and then, I will scream uncontrollably, I will call out for you, I will fall apart. Needless to say, I will never forget you. 

@jessicagferrer -jessica g ferrer I came across a memory of Dad, and a feeling that only those who've lost can understand came over me. I am learning that I lose him over and over again, and grief is now a part of me. If you too are experiencing grief, I see you. If it resonates, leave a comment or send me a DM. Thank you for watching, for reading, for listening. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself. ✌□□ JGF #fatherlessdaughters #grief #loss #grieving #daughters #dad #death #griefjourney #healingjourney #heartbreak #griefandloss #griefsupport #griefawareness #healing #griefpoetry #lifeafterloss #hope #anxiety #survivinggrief ♬ original sound - Jessica G Ferrer

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JGF Tuesday July 30, 2024 8:08pm PT